101 Happy New Year Funny Quotes

 

Whether it’s a play on words, a funny observation on everyday things, or clever old sayings, comedy has a way of making us realize that we’re all going through the same thing in this madness. life. These funny quotes about work, love, friends, and family will make you say, so true! because, well, they are. Others will remind you of funny moments from meme-worthy movies and TV shows.

Take a much-needed break from your day to check out these 101 hilarious quotes that we found on stand-up comedy, books, plays, celebrity Twitter and interviews, as well as movies and TV shows, guaranteed to give you a quick laugh.

 

FUNNY QUOTES

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask them where they are going and connect with them later.

Gentlemen, you cannot fight here. This is the war room.

My mother always used to say: the older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season.

Before criticizing someone, you must walk a mile instead. That way, when you criticize them, you are within a mile of them and you have their shoes.

Bob: Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter: I wouldn’t say I missed it, Bob.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.

Before you marry a person, you must first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

I love being married. It’s great to find that special someone you want to tease for the rest of your life.

Ned, I’d love to stay here and talk to you, but I’m not going to.

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want some advice?’, It is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

I want my children to have all the things that I cannot afford. So I want to move in with them.

Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you are in the forest and you are lost and you see a path. So of course go down that path.

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night figuring out how much sleep you will sleep if you can ‘fall asleep right now.

breaking down is like knocking down a Coke machine. You can’t do it all at once; you have to move it from side to side a few times, and then it collapses.

I am not superstitious, but I am a bit rigid.

I walk as if everything is fine, but deep inside, inside my shoe, my sock slips.

I haven’t talked to my wife in years. He didn’t want to interrupt her.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The problem was, it was mine.

There is nothing wrong with an expensive operation that cannot be prolonged.

Someone asked me if I were stranded on a desert island, what book would I bring: ‘How to build a ship’.

Ted Striker: You sure can’t be serious.
Dr. Rumack: I’m serious. And don’t call me Shirley

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking up to see it.
“Mindy Kaling, is everyone hanging out without me?”

You know you have reached middle age when your doctor warns you to slow down, instead of the police.

The truth hurts. Maybe not as much as riding a bike that’s missing a seat, but it hurts.

My mom says alligators are untreatable because they have all those teeth and they don’t have a toothbrush.

I never feel more lonely than when I try to put sunscreen on my back.

Marriage is like a tense, graceless version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

Being a mother means never buying the right amount of products. Either suddenly everyone loves grapes and eats a week’s worth in one afternoon, or fruit flies congregate around my rotten bananas.

I’m not crazy. My mother has tested me.

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy .

Usher: Boyfriend or girlfriend?
Wedding Guest: It should be perfectly obvious that I’m neither of you!

Stan Fields: Describe your perfect date.
Cheryl: That is difficult. It would have to say April 25th. Because it’s not too hot or too cold. All you need is a light jacket.

I saw a study that said that speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means that for the average person if he has to be at a funeral, he would rather be in the coffin than doing the eulogy.

Lucy: There are only two things that prevent me from dancing on that show.
Fred: Your feet?

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

Coach: How does a beer sound, Norm? Norm: I don’t know, I usually finish before they say a word.

If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be any more surprised.

There is nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoid friends, that’s the real test.

If I don’t come back in five minutes, wait longer.

The only thing that separates us from animals is our capacity for accessories.

I am in a moment of my life in which the errands begin to count as exits.

A good rule of thumb to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be lured by a bargain.

I’m not good at advice. May I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

This is all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and safe and I don’t have to shake hands.

As you get older, three things happen. The first is that your memory is fading and I can’t remember the other two.

Yet that is why New York is so great. Everyone you care about may despise you and you can still find a bagel so good that nothing else matters. Who needs love when you have smoked salmon? Both suck, but only one tastes good.

Here are some tips: In a job interview, tell them that you are willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

Does anyone else mind that the ‘Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘Los Angeles Angels’?

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be happy to make an exception.

Here’s something to think about: how come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins the Lottery’?

A day without sun is like, you know, night.

My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I have finished two bags of M & Ms and a chocolate cake. I already feel better.

Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.

What do you mean he doesn’t eat meat? Okay, okay. I make lamb.

You know you’re getting old when you bend over to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re there.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!

Instead of mahi-mahi, can I get the only Mahi because I’m not that hungry?Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

Francois: Do you know what kind of bomb it was?
Clouseau: The explosive type.

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne .

There is a word that describes people who don’t like me: irrelevant.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing is moving?

I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t remember very well yesterday.

I don’t have to accept this abuse from you; I have hundreds of people dying from abusing me.

Police officer: stop.
Harry: No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.

I grew up with six siblings. This is how I learned to dance: waiting for the bath.

If we’re going to pay so much for the crab, you’d better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.

I prefer not to think before speaking. I like to be as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow too.

I woke up today. It was terrible.

Eggs are great for a physical fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.

I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.

My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.

Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.

Madness runs in my family. He practically gallops.

Brian: Look, you got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anyone. You have to think for yourself. You are all individuals.
Crowd: Yes, we are all individuals!
Guy: I’m not!

Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

What you could do to make things easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving behind a wife, two children, and a spacious three-room apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.

The key to faking parents is wet hands. It is a good nonspecific symptom; I am a big believer in that. Many people will tell you that a good fake fever is a deadlock, but if you have a nervous mother, you could end up in a doctor’s office. That is worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re crouching, groaning, and crying, you lick your palms. It’s a bit childish and stupid, but so is high school.

I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.

Cal: You’re really pushing my buttons today.
Becky: What is ‘dumb’?

The worst part of shopping online is having to get up and take your credit card out of your purse.

People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need an Ouija board.

My therapist says that I am afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, reaching my potential would really cut down on my sitting time.

From the ages of eight to 18, my family and I moved around a lot. We almost always stretched, but every now and then one of us would get up to go to the refrigerator.

Money cannot buy health, but I would settle for a wheelchair with diamonds.

The purpose of places like Starbucks is for non-decision makers to make six decisions just to buy a cup of coffee. Low, high, light, dark, brown, decaf, low fat, fat-free. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who the hell they are, can, for just $ 2.95, get not just a cup of coffee, but an absolutely defining sense of themselves.

Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy a hoverboard one day.

I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7am in sweatpants. Nobody cares.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I am down to the stomach flu from my ideal weight.

My perfect and beautiful miracle baby? I never slept. Always. Never. Twelve years later, the memories of those nights, of that lack of sleep, still make me sway a little. Do you want to torture someone? Give them an adorable baby that they love not sleeping.

I would like to have a child, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.

Yes, I can have a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.

I’m sure that wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, he’s just very condescending.

I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.

Testing is the first step to failure.

I have a lot to do to grow. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

Updated: September 27, 2021 — 7:42 pm

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *